


the current has us now, it's okay

by dialecstatic



Series: whatever a sun will always sing is you [14]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Camping, Coming of Age, Families of Choice, Fluff, Food, Friendship, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, POV Alternating, Trans Character, alternating pronouns for yuta, coming to terms with yourself, mention and consumption, the usual as you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 13:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15775113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dialecstatic/pseuds/dialecstatic
Summary: along the riverbend, kun, taeyong and jaehyun reach the end of heartache.





	the current has us now, it's okay

**Author's Note:**

> title from "who knows, who cares" by local natives
> 
> hey everyone, the verse is back! im really sorry about the lack of updates over the past month and a half. my life was thrown into a bit of a loop and i didn't find much time to work on the verse, as i had to prioritize commissions and other work & life related things ... but i'm back now! i've had this idea in my drafts for about as long as i've been gone, and i'm really happy i got to finish it before the summer ends haha~
> 
> hope you enjoy!!

###### 

Jaehyun thinks he's never been much for nature.

 

He likes neon lights and crowds of faces he tries to remember best he can, likes the comfort of four walls and a dimly lit hallway at midnight, likes late evenings on an old, worn leather couch, the pleasant buzz of conversation all around him, knowing home is right where he is.

 

There’s a world out there, he knows that, but he’s got enough to figure out in his own world first. When the question of wild camping near the river, undercurrent and bugs and dirt all included, comes up, he isn’t quite sure what he should do. 

 

In the end, he caves in, because his friends are all in it for the thrill and Doyoung too, smiling at him and resting their hand on his, an anchor to the real world anywhere they go. Most of all, he realizes as the daylight streaming through his tiny bedroom window lands on his camera bag, he refuses to let the last days of their precious summer go to waste.

 

That’s how Jaehyun ends up stuffing way too much inside a single backpack and meeting Doyoung at the bus stop down near the library, their bag resting against their leg and the cityscape blown wide behind them.

 

___

  
  


It’s Kun, of course, who comes up with the idea as their summer break draws to a close. They’re all sitting together in the park near campus, some still trying to rub the previous night’s questionable decisions from their eyes, Mark and Sicheng threatening to fall asleep right then and there at any moment.

 

“I heard the river is beautiful at dusk.” Kun says, looking over the city’s horizon. “And at night, too. I was talking to Yixing and he said he went camping there once when he was still in college.”

 

Heads turn to her in curiosity, Mark’s voice barely above a sleepy whisper. “Isn’t it mildly illegal, though?”

 

“Eh, not technically.” Yuta snorts, bringing his knees up to his chest. “Not if you don't get caught.” 

 

Kun can’t help but groan at that, though she supposes he’s right. There’s no harm done if they don’t disrupt anything, and she wants to see the view of the city’s lights reflected on the water at least once before she has to bury herself in clay and paper again. 

 

“There’s this little spot at the edge of the city park,” Taeil says nonchalantly, as if throwing the information out there with no motive behind it, though everyone present knows them well enough to recognize the tinge of mischief in their voice. “We can trek there and count on the trees to shield us.”

 

They wink in Kun’s direction and she feigns dodging it before leaning against their shoulder all the same, content in the comfortable state their relationship had reached over the past few weeks. She still struggles sometimes to let herself go with it, but being with Taeil always feels like dancing on the lit up side of the moon.

 

“We’re going to need more than good faith for this, though.” Doyoung says from where they’re stretching out along the grass, their head in Jaehyun’s lap. They roll over on their side, sitting cross legged to face the group. “Do we have tents? Any equipment? First aid kit?” 

 

Kun pulls out a notebook from her bag and points it at Doyoung, “We’re going to go over that now, yes. Obviously I can’t let us die.” she motions to the group, Ten and Yuta sticking their tongues out at her in unison. “First order of business, tents?”

 

“Wait, are we really doing this?” Jaehyun’s voice is still heavy with sleep. “Savage camping?” 

 

He doesn’t look unsure so much as surprised that the idea came up. Kun reasons with herself for a moment, that this might be one of the only times all of them will get to do it together. Because then, the new semester will start, and they’ll be too busy, too taken by their respective responsibilities, and then the end of the year will roll around, bringing with it its fair share of goodbyes that Kun can’t help but consider, as much as she doesn’t want to think about them.

 

Johnny, Yuta and Taeyong, off to other places she’ll get to discover soon enough, and Taeil too, at the end of this journey. She’s never liked goodbyes, but Kun knows she can at least make sure the rest of their days together are worth remembering.

 

“Looks like it.” Doyoung says, already listing off things on their phone. 

 

If they don’t decide now, they never will, so Kun takes the liberty of continuing, even if she has to talk to herself. “I know we have a family tent at the center. There’s no trips planned for a while, so I’ll tell them we’re taking it. Fits six people, which is already something, right?”

 

The exhausted murmur that follows reminds Kun that although she’s happy so many of her friends have found happiness with each other, it always makes the logistics of everything a little more complicated than they should be.

 

It’s Doyoung, rational as always, that brings it up first. “Some people are going to have to give up privacy, uh?” they chime, looking around and cocking an eyebrow at Ten and Johnny in particular.

 

“I’m fine sharing!” Jungwoo says before a debate can break out, slinging an arm around Mark’s shoulders. “Wouldn’t want this one to be lonely anyway.” 

 

Yukhei pouts for about half a second before he reaches to ruffle Mark’s hair, his usual grin overtaking his face. “My boy!” he exclaims, and Mark responds in kind, the two clinging to each other excitedly at the idea of a wild slumber party.

 

“So that leaves the other room to be filled.” Kun says, raising an eyebrow at the rest of her friends.

 

They all briefly steal glances at each other, Taeyong propping their chin on Taeil’s shoulder while everyone tries to make decisions. 

 

“Not me,” Ten suddenly says. “I have an individual tent from last year’s festivals season anyway, and daddy needs his juice.” he points his thumb towards himself at that, prompting Sicheng to make a disgusted face at him as everyone else makes noises of disapproval at varying volumes.

 

“Please. Please never say this again.” they deadpan, Yuta laughing next to them.

 

True to herself, Kun merely rolls her eyes as she scribbles down on her notepad, a rough estimate of their still imaginary campsite. To anyone, it probably looks like more trouble than it’s worth, but it doesn’t matter to her, and they all know that. She’d rather be prepared now than have to resolve any shenanigans later, though they’re inevitable anyway.

 

It takes a bit more pushing and pulling, but eventually Yuta and Sicheng agree to share the other half of the tent with Taeyong, who repays them by slouching across both their laps. They sneak a glance at Taeil after the question of where they are going to sleep comes up, and Taeil simply sets a hand on the back of Kun’s neck, the two of them exchanging a look. “We’ll figure it out.” Taeil says, winking at Kun. “We’ll build something, we’re good at that.”

 

Kun feels herself going bright red, heat creeping up her spine and all the way to the top of her ears, and it’s only escalated by the fact that Ten leans over to high five Taeil, who looks far too pleased with themself even as their girlfriend feels - and looks, according to Jungwoo’s concerned tone - like she’s going to combust at any moment.

 

“What about us, then?” Jaehyun asks, nudging Doyoung with his elbow. “You got a tent stashed away somewhere?” 

 

Doyoung stays pensive for a moment, then something seems to hit them. “I have an idea. But you’re gonna have to bring your winter socks.”

 

___

  
  


They trek through the park and down the side of the river in the early hours of the afternoon, because Yukhei and Mark absolutely want to test the water and Sicheng challenges them to see who can swim farthest. It doesn’t take much more than that to send Yuta after them, clambering over the rocks that line the river bank and dropping their bags on the ground.

 

“Seriously?” Kun says, watching as the three of them have already taken off their shoes, Yuta halfway through pulling their shirt over their head. “Hello? We have a campsite to build?”

 

Taeyong puts their hand on her shoulder and smirk at the scene unfolding in front of them, Mark’s pants rolled up to his knees as he waddles across the shallow water, Yukhei happily splashing around and marveling at the clarity this close to the city. 

 

“We’ll get to it.” Taeyong says to placate Kun, and they march a few more meters to find a patch of land as flat as possible to set up on.

 

Trailing behind, Taeil thinks it’s a good thing they came in numbers, with how many bags they ended up having to bring between them, not to mention the larger than necessary cooler Doyoung had insisted Kun dig up from the center’s storage. 

 

It had allowed for more alcohol, sure, and at least the beer wouldn’t be lukewarm this time, but carrying the cooler is another story entirely even as they share the task with Johnny. “I can’t wait for this to be empty.” they say, only exaggerating their tone a little as they set the cooler down with a muted thud as it hits the ground. 

 

They help Kun set up all the tents, enlisting Sicheng and Ten’s help for the bigger one when a gust of wind threatens to send it flying into the river. It’s nice enough like that, rolling out camping mattresses and pretending to fluff up painfully thin pillows, and when they look over at Kun where she’s kneeling in the tent’s other room across from them, smoothing out the floormat, Taeil finally understand what poets mean when they speak of home.

 

“Should we start the fire now?” Taeyong asks from where they’ve elected to sit on a rock. 

 

“We’ll get to it in a bit, yeah.” Doyoung replies, but then they’re walking in the opposite direction, settling next to a tree and pulling a heavy fold of fabric from their bag. They smooth it out only slightly, a distraction while they search for the strap to tie around the trunk. 

 

Johnny cocks his head to the side, exchanges a curious glance with Taeil. “What in the world…” then, when Doyoung ties the rest of the apparatus and it comes into view, Taeil exclaims joyously, “Oh my goodness, is that a hammock?”

 

“Yes. Yes, it is.” Doyoung deadpans as they push down on it to test their work. 

 

Taeil beams at them. “Oh, I am so jealous. Why didn’t we think of that?” they say, and then search for Kun and call for her to ask again.

 

They’re amazed at Doyoung’s ingeniosity, and almost a little surprised that they were the one to come up with it. They know there’s more to Doyoung than meets the eye, and their sudden bouts of spontaneity and adventurous spirit is something only their true friends get to see.

 

 

"Honestly," Sicheng says, pulling the brim of their hat over their eyes. "You're going to regret this in the morning when you're more mosquito bite than person."

 

They walk over to the hammock, pulling a face as they spot insects already crawling on the surface of the trees. Taeil walks over too with a spring in their step, but instead of joining Sicheng in their wildlife exploration, they let themself fall into the fabric, feeling the slight bend as it adjusts to support their weight. From the spot Doyoung chose, they have a clear view of everything, the camp where Jaehyun and Jungwoo are laying blankets down on the ground, the edge of the river where Yuta, Mark and Yukhei are still playing, the rocks a little ways off where Ten and Johnny are sitting, splashing water at Mark as he twists to try and dodge their attacks.

 

Overlooking the commotion, as always, steadfast and steady, is Kun. She’s got her back to the trees, her shirt clinging to the curve of her shoulders, her hair windswept and honeyed by the sunlight. Taeil doesn’t need to see her face to know Kun is smiling, because this is where she thrives, finding happiness in seeing her friends bloom right before her eyes.

 

It was, after all, what Taeil liked about her first, how she sees the soul of every being and cherishes it like her own. If anyone were to ask right now, it’s still high up on the list of reasons why Taeil thinks maybe, probably, this is love.

 

For a few seconds, they let their eyes wander, take in the beauty of the city stretched far and away on the other side of the river, looking so foreign and distant all of a sudden. The hammock rocks back and forth with the breeze and Taeil kicks their feet a little to help it, settling so comfortably they could almost fall asleep right then and there, if it weren’t for Doyoung.

 

“Comfortable?” Doyoung asks, sitting next to Taeil and nearly tipping the whole thing over.

 

Their heart makes a slight jump in their chest as they try to find their balance again. “My goodness, are the two of you actually going to be able to sleep in here?” they hold on to the edge of the fabric, unsure of whether it’s stable enough now or they’re going to tip over any moment.

 

“Guess it’ll feel even more like an adventure.” Doyoung laughs, pushing themself up and offering a hand to Taeil. 

“Aye aye, captain.”

 

When their feet hit the ground, they make a beeline for Kun, plastering themself against her back. “Everything’s good. Relax.” 

 

“I know.” She breathes deeply, the pushback nearly breaking Taeil’s hold. “I’m actually surprised at how well it’s going, can’t be a good sign.” 

 

“Come on, give us more credit! You can start worrying when toes go missing or something.” Taeil says, hiding their face in the slope of Kun’s shoulder to laugh when she groans. “Okay, okay. I promise the crabs are too small to do that.”

 

Kun rests a hand on Taeil’s own where they’re linked across her stomach. “You better hope you’re right.”

  
  
  


___

 

Even now, Taeyong likes the relative quiet.

 

It isn’t quite the same with everyone busying themselves around their makeshift encampment, Jungwoo shrieking everytime the fire starts and stops again, Yuta nearly face down on the ground as they try to look inside the structure to check what went wrong, pulling out half scorched pieces of driftwood. 

 

“I told you we need them to be dry!” they say, raising an accusatory eyebrow at Ten and Mark.

 

They don’t seem to have any will to get angry, though, and they walk calmly to the edge of the forest to pick up kindle by themself. It cracks under their bare feet - Doyoung tried to warn them about bugs, but let them be either way - and Taeyong closes their eyes and enjoys the comfortable noise of nature and laughter, nowhere else in the world they’d rather be. 

 

The sun is still high in the sky, the afternoon winding down just as slowly as their bodies are, taking all the time in the world. It shines gold on the surface of the water and Taeyong trails their hand between the flecks, feels the coolness climbing up their body.

 

“Hey Yongie.” Johnny’s voice comes from behind before he sits down next to them, his shoes also off and Taeyong can imagine Doyoung making a fuss, but as they turn around they simply find them calmly sitting with Kun, water beading on the surface of their beer can.

 

“Hey, Johnny boy.” 

 

Sometimes, Taeyong thinks being friends with Johnny is the easiest thing in the world. His warmth is all inviting and all encompassing, a love that spreads without prejudice or conditions. He makes room in his heart for everyone, and Taeyong is more than happy to have lodged themself there in a corner, comfortable and content. It’s been nearly four years, since they were both bumbling freshmen with not much to show for themselves. Thought they’ve both collected the pieces of their souls along the way, sometimes Taeyong swears they’re still just as clueless as they ever were. 

 

“Bets on who burns their hair off first?” Johnny says through a smirk as he jerks his head towards where Yuta is hunched over the would-be fire, Yukhei, Jungwoo and Mark all observing intently. 

 

Taeyong snorts, brings their knees up to their chest. “Yuta.” 

 

“That would be it, yeah.” Johnny says, and he twists around a little to retrieve two cans of beer, hands one to Taeyong. “To us?”

 

“As always.” Taeyong smiles, cracks the can open and taps it against Johnny’s own, watches as foam bubbles over to the surface. “Say, did you already… Do you know where you’re going? Next year?” 

 

A shadow falls over Johnny’s face, and Taeyong knows very well why. They don’t really dare to bring it up that much even as the end of the year draws closer and decisions have to be made, because the thought of leaving friends - family - behind is almost too much to bear.

 

Johnny takes a swig of his beer and swallows hard. “Kind of. I applied to a few programs, put in some internship applications with production companies… Sent all the tapes I have.” he sets the can down on the rocks next to him, balancing precariously. “Now it’s all up to fate, I guess.” 

 

“Your work is amazing. I’m sure they’ll be fighting over you.” 

 

“What about you though?” 

 

The question is one they’ve been avoiding for the better part of the past month, their major supervisor practically having to run after them for any kind of answer.  

 

And the truth is, Taeyong doesn’t know. They want to dance, that much is certain. They want to keep fueling that fire within themself that only exists when the music is on and nothing else in the world seems to matter. Except, it does, and Taeyong is coming at the end of a long road of realization that dancing alone in the dark isn’t what they want. There’s something pulling deeper in them, a desire to change, since they met Jaemin and the other kids, and maybe even before that, when they ripped themself away from sorrow. The answer feels like it’s right there in front of them, blurred at the edges but close enough to grasp.

 

Just a little more, and they’ll be able to unravel it.

 

“I’ll figure it out.” is all they say, letting their head fall against Johnny’s shoulder. “It’s just so strange, right?”

 

There’s a sharp intake of breath above them, and a tone they know too well. “It doesn’t feel real. Everytime I see the date I keep wondering where those years went.” 

 

“We ran too far ahead.” Taeyong breathes out. “And now we don’t know where to go.”

 

“Well that’s poetic,” Johnny laughs, but it’s colored with a certain bitterness that Taeyong doesn’t miss.

 

In moments like this, they’d give anything for an opportunity to stop time, keep that moment in their pocket forever. As the sun begins its slow descent, a perfect arch, it seems like they can stay still for a while.

  
  


That’s not counting on the literal firestarters behind them, Yuta letting out a triumphant yell as Yukhei nearly topples backwards onto the tent, fire threatening to lick at his ankles.

 

“We’re eating tonight!” Yuta announces to anyone who will listen, a fist raised high in the air. 

 

Sicheng pads towards them, wraps their arms around Yuta’s waist and presses a kiss to their neck. “My hero.” 

 

Between the indignant whistles from Ten and Taeil, and Mark’s barking laughter, Taeyong looks at every one of them, and doesn’t much mind the noise.

  
  


Mark manages to calm down long enough to call the both of them over as Doyoung practically dives into the cooler, retrieving the packs of sliced meat and the plastic containers of vegetables they’d prepared, everything diligently labeled and ready to assemble.

 

“I could marry you.” Jungwoo says, taking the boxes from Doyoung one by one and setting them down, completely oblivious to the way Yukhei clutches his chest with a pained expression. 

 

Doyoung doesn’t pay it much mind, simply sighs and says, “No way, you know too much already.”, and Jungwoo smiles that impossibly bright smile Taeyong thinks they saw once in some fairytale cartoon.

“You’re going to kill the poor boy.” Sicheng sits cross-legged next to Yukhei, pats his head once, twice before leaning towards the fire. Yukhei smiles and whines a little, leans onto Sicheng’s shoulder. “At least wait until he’s had his last meal!”

 

There’s a wet sound from across from them where Ten spits out his drink, attempting to hide his face and the liquid spilling down his chin with one hand, the other still holding his can but resolutely pointed at Sicheng. Yukhei lets himself fall backwards with a groan, and to no one’s surprise, Jungwoo lies down next to him, peppering the side of his face with small reassuring kisses until he agrees to get back up.

 

“You people are…” Doyoung doesn’t finish their sentence because Kun hands them wooden skewers and paper towels to go around, but they can barely disguise the smile that creeps up on their face when they finally get to sit down. 

 

Jaehyun takes a picture of them right then and there, camera nearly touching Doyoung’s face and they scrunch up their nose, only prompting more clicks. “Incredible. A unique specimen.” Jaehyun mimics a nature documentary narrator’s tone, deep and almost deadpan. “In their natural habitat.” he says, finally leaning away from Doyoung to turn his lens to the rest of them.

  
  


Over the fire, Taeyong sees Mark, and Jungwoo, and Yukhei, as many reasons to believe in a brighter future as they can imagine. It almost feels a little bittersweet to look at them now, and realize they’ll grow up without Taeyong being able to truly see it, that one day they’ll all reunite and all three of them will be even better people, stronger and perhaps even grown. They can only hope to have left the path a little clearer and a little brighter than it was before they met.

 

Taeyong can’t help but think of Ten, how sure of himself he was, even when they met and he was barely on the cusp of being. There was a certain inspiration in his blind certainty, something Taeyong was, even still now, sometimes, desperate to get their hands on for themself, that feeling of simply knowing where you’re going, and how to get there.

 

They’d watched Ten become, a powerful revelation in the eyes of the world, and watching him smile now is almost rewarding in a way, though Taeyong doesn’t want to fool themself into thinking they had anything to do with it. Just the memories are enough to make them proud.

 

A memory flashes in their head, standing in a cold tile washroom with a teary-eyed boy who wanted nothing more than grow into himself, and seeing the way he struggled and tore himself apart had broken Taeyong’s heart into so many pieces, they were still collecting them. But then they also remember seeing Jaemin on that bright June day, all smiles and more confidence than Taeyong ever thought possible, how he’d been so happy to see them, mending the pieces that were there together.

 

“Earth to Taeyong!” Johnny’s voice rings out, and Taeyong is handed a skewer and a fresh can of beer before they even realize what’s happening. “What planet are you on this time?”

 

Even when Johnny teases, he never means harm. 

 

Taeyong sets the beer can on the ground, holds their skewer up over the fire. The smell of the meat as it cooks is about as good as life is ever going to get, really, and it makes them close their eyes and heave a sigh of contentment. “I’m here.” they say, eyes watering a little, and they’ll just blame it on the fire. “I think I know, now. Where I want to go.”

 

Johnny’s eyes go wide and a smile pulls at the corners of his mouth, unstoppable until he throws his arm around Taeyong’s shoulders and pulls them in. “Well that was a quick turnaround. I’m proud of you.” 

 

When the going gets rough, Taeyong knows at least they have these words to hold on to.

 

“So, where is that?” Johnny inquires, half-muffled by the piece of beef he’s chewing on.

 

“Education?” They don’t mean it to sound so unsure, really, but they still have to take a deep  breath before they go on, knees hugged up to their chest. “I was thinking about… Jaemin. And Mark. And like, how many other kids are out there like them or- or like us?” they say, leaning back to get a good view of everyone. They can also see Johnny looking at them, all the food forgotten and a warm expression on his face. 

 

“I don’t… I don’t want anyone to go through what some of us had to go through, I don’t want them to feel alone, or like they’ve run out of options at seventeen years old because the world isn’t helping them, or doesn’t care for them, or both, probably, I-” Taeyong has to stop themself and take a breath, squeezing their eyes shut to chase the tears away, to keep a clear mind, just for now. “I see what Kun does, with them. I saw how it actually works and I want- I want to do that. I think. I- I know, I want to do that.”

 

A breeze passes through and threatens to put the fire out, Yuta almost throwing their arms around it to protect it while Sicheng, in the same movement, holds them back from actually doing it. 

 

Johnny chuckles at them and takes a long sip of his beer, leaning back to hold himself up on one hand. “You’re going to be amazing at it.”

 

It almost doesn’t register with Taeyong at first, and then they turn to Johnny and find him smiling still, reassuring and kind in all the ways Taeyong has been learning to be to themself. They find it in the way their heart swells a little just realizing that they’ve found a path, one that is clear, and bright, and leads to better days. 

 

“I’m not sure… how to go about it. Yet. You think Doyoung and Jungwoo would give me their old counselor’s email?” they propose, because they’ve heard enough stories about Mr Kim to know he probably has a pamphlet for this too, and as if on cue, Jungwoo perks up from the other side of the fire. 

 

“I can ask him!” he sing-songs, wiping his fingers on a paper towel before stealing a mouthful of Yukhei’s skewer, the younger man powerless to stop him.

 

It was almost a joke, but now Taeyong wants to put both chance and will on their side, and so they make a note to ask about it again later. 

 

“So how do you feel?” Johnny asks. “Letting it all out?”

 

Taeyong looks up for a moment, before realizing the answer is right in front of them.

 

“Good. Ready to be even better.”

 

___

  
  


The last of the fire burns close to the ground, Yuta occasionally adding more kindle to it, flashes of light escaping out into the night. Kun has her gaze focused on her playing card as she moves them from hand to hand, Ten and Mark and Jungwoo's brows all furrowed as they try to follow the movement. She's pleased with herself, really, both because her tricks are taking and because the day has been a resounding success on all accounts, and no extremities were lost in the process.  
  
  


Next to her, Taeil finishes their beer with a loud pop, the can digging into the ground with the force they use to set it down. “Okay.”

 

They push themself to their feet, a hand braced on Doyoung’s shoulder for support, all complaints ignored in favor of taking long strides towards the edge of the river. Before Kun can realize, Taeil discards their shoes and socks off to the side, and advance into the water.

 

“What are you doing?” is the only thing Kun can think to say, calling after them as she stays by the fire, trying to ignore how Yukhei and Yuta are encouraging Taeil. 

 

They turn to her, holding a hand out with a smile. “Living.”

 

It’s so simple and yet so telling, that Taeil is looking at her like they’re inviting her to do the same, like they want Kun to take one more step into the unknown. That’s what Taeil does, she thinks as she toes the line. They make life unpredictable, every new day spent by their side an adventure for everyone involved, something in their eyes and the way they always walk firmly forward that lets everyone know they should follow.

 

Kun wants to live, she always has. It’s the quiet reassurance that she doesn’t have to live alone, the hushed giggles behind her, the shutter click of Jaehyun’s camera, that carries her to the river bank.

 

“No mutant crabs, right?” she asks, raising her eyebrows at Taeil. 

 

They huff out a laugh and cross their chest. “Promise.”

 

The water is colder than Kun had imagined after such a hot day, but the way it laps up at her ankles isn’t unpleasant, sends a wave of coolness through her body as she waddles across the river floor. There’s rocks and algae that she almost trips on, but Taeil’s promise was genuine, and it takes only a few steps for them to be reunited, water coming up to their calves. 

 

“Okay, I have to admit, this feels pretty nice.” Kun says, linking her arm with Taeil’s. 

 

They immediately pull her close, pressing a kiss to her cheek before they gesture all around, swinging their arms from the group still sitting around the fire to the other side of the river, where city lights are shining in the distance. "Look at us. We're here. We're alive. We're..."

 

Taeil stops in their train of thought, pursing their lips as if they're not sure whether they should say the next part. They're playing with Kun's fingers like the notes on a piano, barely holding on, but their touch lingers on.

 

"We are." Kun says, because no matter what Taeil was trying to say, as much as she hopes it's the same thing she's been trying to word out, she agrees with it all. 

 

There isn't any rush, is what she learned. She feels the virtue in it now, just as she did throughout the weeks after she and Taeil agreed to take it slow, and she links their fingers together resolutely. "And we'll get better at it, too.”

 

Not so long ago, Kun would have convinced herself she was satisfied with life as she knew it, that she could carry on without making a sound and maybe, she’d be fine. Life, however, always seemed to have other plans. Maybe, Kun thinks as she feels the hand in hers, as she watches the fire disperse into the night, against the silhouettes of the people she loves and up into nothing, returning to life itself. 

 

The cycle of the universe finds a way, and she has too. There’s no maybes anymore. 

 

“I’m ready to love myself.” Kun says, quietly, almost to herself. She turns her gaze up towards Taeil, feels a smile taking over her face.  “I thought I could live through other people, that loving only them would be enough, and maybe I’d feel okay like that, but… I know now, I can have it all.”

 

"Oh?" Taeil tilts their head to the side, a gentle look in their eyes. "

 

Kun takes a breath and sighs it out, her shoulders moving freely this time. "I don't know what will happen next year. But I'm not- I don't want to worry about it. We'll live for now, we have time, but for now. We should live."

 

Taeil smiles back, so wide and earnest it puts the stars to shame. “Best thing I’ve heard all year.” 

 

“I had a lot on my plate. I didn’t expect anything in return but,” Kun squeezes Taeil’s hand, and they waddle a little in the water to get closer to her, as close as possible. “I got more than I bargained for.”

 

“Hey!”

 

Kun hides her laughter in the crook of Taeil’s neck, and then a flash comes over her, something latent that finally came unbound in her heart. “I think… I love you.”

 

“What a coincidence.” Taeil gives her a devilish grin, face inching closer until there’s nothing but stardust between them. “I love you too.”

 

Content and safe, Kun feels fingers curling in the front of her shirt as her lips meet Taeil’s, water gently waving back and forth around them, a moment that the river will remember and keep for itself through time.

 

Her ears feel hot as she hears a loud round of cheers from the shore, a wave of joy washing over her as she realizes that this is real, and true, and this is home, that no one can take away or tear apart.

 

“Incoming!” 

 

There’s barely any time for either of them to brace themself as Yukhei crashes into the water barely a foot away, and as soon as he gets to them, feigning swimming in the shallow end of the river, he takes them both in his arms. “Best summer break ever.”

  
  


It isn’t long before Mark and Ten manage to drag everyone else with them, Jungwoo floating on his back and kicking water everywhere any time Sicheng and Yuta try to tickle him, Johnny crouching, half-under the water, to grab ankles at random, and Kun is pretty sure the sound Doyoung makes when they’re the target is enough to wake up everyone already sleeping on the other side of the river.

 

“Extra, extra, read all about it!” Ten giggles through his words, holding his sides as he watches Doyoung chase Johnny around for retaliation. “Cryptid found in local river!”

 

He doesn’t have more time to tease before both Doyoung and Johnny come crashing into him, all three of them going under with a loud collective shriek, Jaehyun doubled over as he watches the whole scene from where he’s perched on a rock.

 

Here under the moonlight, like on the wooden floor of the youth center, Kun revels in the joyous chaos, and she feels like the eye of the storm. 

 

If it takes a little time and a lot of whining for everyone to properly dry off, day clothes scattered around, hung on the corners of the tents and traded for dry sweats and t-shirts, bodies shivering a little as they huddle close to the fire and Mark passes a giant bag of marshmallows around, then Kun is more than happy to take it all in stride. Taeil is leaning against her, eyelids drooping as Jungwoo tries to tell a scary story, and she feels the weight of something different in her chest, on her heart, pushing through to let the light in.

 

___

  
  


When Doyoung wakes up, Jaehyun is gone. They can still feel the imprint of his warmth where he was once nestled against their side, so they assume he can’t have been gone for long, or have even gotten that far if he’s decided to take a walk.

 

Sitting up, they have to squint to see through the now dark night, only the clear sky letting starlight pass through and giving their eyes respite until they spot someone sitting at the edge of the river, past the tents and the dead embers. They hear a shutter click once, then two more times, and rub the sleep from their eyes before they let their feet touch the ground.

 

“Got a good view?” they whisper when they get closer, and Jaehyun shudders a little as their hand comes down on his shoulder.

 

He leans into their touch soon enough, though, his camera still held firmly in both hands. “This is so… surreal. It’s like two worlds blurring together.” 

 

He’s right, Doyoung thinks as their eyes land on the surface of the water where both the stars and the neons are reflected like they come from the same place. In a way, it’s no surprise that Jaehyun would find it so fascinating. Doyoung knows the world has often been blurry for him, eyes out of focus on himself.

 

“Sorry if I worried you.” he blurts out. “I didn’t… I never mean to.”

 

“I know.”

 

In truth, Doyoung isn’t worried, not so much as they feel a weird sort of melancholy churning their insides everytime they look at Jaehyun, so beautiful yet so unaware of it, trapped in an in between he doesn’t know how to deal with.

 

“This feels comfortable, somehow.” Jaehyun says, eyes fixed on the multitude of tiny lights on the surface of the water. 

 

Doyoung takes a breath, enjoys the silence that surrounds them even so close to the city. “Maybe you can find some answers in it.”

 

They know no one but Jaehyun himself can find the answers he’s been desperately looking for, but the desire to help always tugs at Doyoung’s heart, because they love him in everything he is and even in the things he hasn’t figured out yet. They wish they could calm the urgency in his heart, somehow.

 

“I’m glad we came, after all.” Jaehyun says, chuckling a little to himself.

 

Doyoung is too, even if they know there’s still a hefty road ahead. Sitting there, though, seems like an okay place to start.

 

“I think I realize now,” Jaehyun starts, tilting his head up towards the sky. “There’s so many things to see in this world, right? 

 

The world might as well be in his eyes right now, a million stars reflecting off his irises even in the dark, but Doyoung keeps that thought to themself, tucks the image away in a safe place. "More than either of us can comprehend, really."

 

"That’s okay.” 

 

It’s a simple statement, but Doyoung can hear in Jaehyun’s voice how enormous it is, feels it in how Jaehyun sighs and relaxes his shoulders, eyes still fixed upwards.

 

Above them, the sky is so full of stars that even city lights can’t drown them out, bright and  lovely like as many promises to keep.

  
  


___

  
  


When Jaehyun opens his eyes, the sun is already high in the sky, barely hidden by the leaves up above the hammock. It’s warm, too warm for however early it is, he can feel his t-shirt sticking to his back, but strangely, he doesn’t care that much. Doyoung is still deep in sleep next to him, seemingly unbothered by the heat, a picture of peace of mind.

 

For the first time, Jaehyun feels it too.

 

He gets up from the hammock, immediately trying to still it as it rocks with the motion, but nothing seems to be able to disturb Doyoung’s sleep anyway. Around their encampment, no one else is awake, there’s a foot poking out of Ten and Johnny’s tent, and what’s left of the fire is just ashes and half-burned sticks, ants milling about in search of any scraps of food from the night before. 

 

It’s a strange picture of life as it can be, and it’s one that Jaehyun doesn’t need to physically capture to know he’ll remember it forever. He walks between where their clothes from the night before are strewn out on plastic bags, held down by rocks, some already discolored at the edges by river water and sunlight. There’s a t-shirt hanging off the corner of the biggest tent like a flag, and the gentle breeze of late morning makes ripples on the surface of the fabric. He can hear someone snore inside, or maybe multiple people, and he’s happy they’re all resting together. 

 

“Letting them sleep won’t hurt.” he says to himself, and silently thanks whoever had the mind to prepare for the morning after as he grabs a bottle of water from the cooler. It’s still reasonably cold, and he can feel it going down, spreading an easy feeling across his chest, where it feels lighter than the day before. 

 

Looking over at the city, he wonders what Kun’s kids have planned for the day, and if Yunho and Changmin are waking up their daughter, ready to embark on new adventures. He thinks about the millions of people living millions of lives he never will, and for the first time, he’s okay with it. 

 

The morning greets him, and he sees an infinite number of futures, so many paths to take and answers to find.

 

In every one of them, he’s happy.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading to the end! 
> 
> whether you're a regular or first time reader or this verse, your interest and support means the world to me <3
> 
> thank you always to dylan for his help on all camping-and-dialogue related things, & thank you to autumn for helping me round out some parts of the story :*)
> 
> find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/diaminghao) if you'd like!


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